I didn’t realize until way too late in the night that today is more important to me than tomorrow.
Today is my last night as a 20-something year old. This will never happen again. Tomorrow, well, it doesn’t mean as much. My first day in a new decade, yes, but the decade begins. Tonight, a decade ends.
Maybe I should’ve planned something. Something poetic. Something solid. Something vivid and vibrant and all those V words I swing about so frequently. But I didn’t. So there.
I feel a nice calm about this, though. And maybe I’m meant to sleep. To plan. To clean, a bit. Maybe I’m not meant to do anything big. Maybe this is preparation for the peace I’ve been dragged myself toward for the past ten years. Maybe this is the shaking off of all the friends, all the hurt and pain, all the relationships, all the expectations, all the unfinished stories and loves and lusts and forgotten words. Maybe I’m supposed to slide into this new decade unceremoniously.
This decade started, after all, with homelessness. It started with pain from pretty much losing The Boy Chin Wonder. It started with a new love that would rot and sour me. It started with a lot of nothing and it ends with something else. Someone else.
I enter this decade without the grim shackle of loneliness. Without expectations. Without many fears or pressures. With a growing form of agoraphobia but a love for it. With lots of pencils and pens and writing materials in general. Surrounded by cardboard and words, words, words. Without The Boy Chin Wonder, but also without the pain that I remember every time he’s with me. With Dude Ranch and all the things that come with his Autism, with his smiles, with his growth, and with his life.
As I wind down to a new decade, I feel like the same old Shaquana. The same old Trey. But there’s also so much hard, weighty feelings that are missing.
And maybe, just maybe, I can do with this decade what I WOULD’VE done with the last decade. If only it wasn’t…or I wasn’t…or they weren’t.
Now there’s nothing but me to hold me back.
Welcome to the next part, Shaquana.