Fathom

Nothing hurts quite as much as realizing you are your own corner. You are the only thing keeping you from backing up into nothing.

… … …

It’s been a…well…a week.

This type of stress should just go ahead and be violence. I feel it eating me from the inside out and I wonder how it isn’t some type of tumor. It’s agony.

Tai’s irritating, manipulative boyfriend hung himself. She was finally leaving, this week to be exact, going to Seattle and starting a new life. Maybe a healthier life. Maybe a more satisfying life. She would have left and gone to Seattle and started work, kept in touch with him right up until the moment she forgot him. She would’ve forgotten him. The wall punching, the constant depressing, hurt facebook posts about his Mom that he hated, all of that. I know she would’ve and he knew that, too.

His overbearing mother wouldn’t overstep her fucking bounds and say slick shit to my sister, and baby the shit out of this grown ass 29-year-old. She could still baby him, sure, but my sister would be far away from this irritating woman’s blame (for every little thing – it’s always my sister’s fault, not her consistently disappointing son).

But he killed himself and my sister had to find him. And then she had to cut him down. And then she had to listen to his disgusting, terrible excuse for a mother screaming and accusing her of murdering him and calling her a bitch and saying ‘get out of my house’ as if she paid my sister’s rent. This woman literally told my sister to get out of ‘her fucking house’ when my sister PAID THE RENT, even when her useless son didn’t. As if it was her property – they rented from a rental company.

And you know…I am irritated that my sister didn’t leave sooner. That she stayed and let him continue to leech. That now she has pieces of her already fragile mind to pick up.

 

I love my family a lot. But once I get her on that plane to Seattle, I’m not talking to my sister again. I’m not talking to my Mom and brothers as much. I’m getting rid of Wuff and I’m cleaning up my house and I am going to ease myself back into solitude. I realize that it suited me. I had to call this grieving mother and curse her out for accusing my sister of ‘murdering her son’, the son that literally just wrote a Facebook post saying his mom told him she regretted him. I am tired. I am tired of having to defend grown people and shelter them from their own mistakes. Their own problems. I keep thinking, stressed and unable to do anything else, ‘I want to go home’. I am fucking home. I’m literally in my fucking house. But Wuff being a baby and telling me ‘you’re like a zombie, you’re so fucking serious and always complaining,’ and being endlessly irritating, Tai lying to me ALL THE FUCKING TIME, everyone on edge, it’s enough. I’ve had enough.

 

All I want is to deal with my own life. I will take that solitude back. Right here. Just take it back and move toward making it complete and utter – outside of business, I will exist in my home and not worry about anyone else.

 

I am exhausted in a way I have never, ever fathomed possible.