We’re getting the fuck out of here.
This year has been a huge eye opener. Well, fuck that. My 20’s were basically me spiraling from shit that happened in my teens, and now I’m finally coming to a stop. I feel like I did when I was eight, except with twenty years of experience under my belt to make me a bit smarter.
I feel like I picked up what I lost.
And I can honestly say a couple of things that I’ve been battling with, angry about, ignoring and the lot:
I don’t want to get married. Ever.
I don’t want to be stuck.
I’m not happy sitting still.
I like being alone.
I don’t want a traditional life.
I’ve been so stuck on trying to make life work for me. Trying to have something normal, something typical. When really, I need to take Urijah and get out of here. We’re different than this. I don’t want to get married and be Betty and Don Draper, as much as I like them sometimes. As much as I adore their relationship, Betty is bored and unsatisfied and Don is between another woman’s legs every ten minutes (and actively more in love with them than he is with Betty). I have been exploring my mind so much since Wolf left and it just feels…seasoned.
First off, a couple of things triggered this. One was Wolf leaving, of course, but it’s a little more than that. The whole last chapter in my relationship with Wolf let me know that I was going after something I can’t handle anymore. Maybe I could’ve when we were first together – but I wanted something different for us back then and he failed me. There was no working it out. I gained my crippling desire to be normal and settle down from the shit Wolf put me through, after all. So this most recent failure stuck out to me in that he failed me at the very crutch I put up to make my wounds from him BETTER.
I don’t want to get married. Even when we were doing better, the thought of it makes my stomach churn. Being stuck.
Then, the car. The fucking car breaking down when I need it so much and can’t get shit done without it. Rajesh misses two whole days of school because I couldn’t fucking drive, and I went out and said fuck it and bought a BRAND NEW ONE. A brand new 2017 Nissan Sentra. And I gave that 2006 Ford Escape back to he detriment of my newly good credit score. And I didn’t die.
Sitting in that black beast, smelling that new car smell, it made me realize that I am not bound to anything. There will always be another direction.
Third, the kids slashing tires in my neighborhood. I look at my neighbors and they’re stuck to deal with bullshit like this. They OWN their homes. They are stuck. I don’t own shit. I can come and go as I please.
And I will.
Lastly…Rajesh saying he wanted to live with Naaman next year. He wants to live with Nate and then, the year after, with his granny. And it’s not like he said I wasn’t doing enough or something. But something about it clicked onto all the other things and I said, “Yeah, that’s a good idea. But you should just stay there. No more back and forth.” Stay with your Dad.
Because it’s me and Urijah. Because we don’t belong to anyone but each other. Because we don’t belong to any state, to any house, to any family. It’s just us. I wipe his ass. I’m the only one who can understand him. I homeschool him. I take him here, there, everywhere. I give him gifts, do his hair, feed him, clothe him. He is my son, my friend, my annoyance, my everything. My mother is in New York, my sister in Alabama, my brothers in Washington. I don’t speak to any of my cousins or aunties or uncles or anything. It’s just me and this little munchkin.
We belong in the wind. I don’t want anymore leases over six months. I don’t want to worry about the friends we’re not making. I want to go and get gone and love and adore and see things. I don’t need to go to night clubs and drink/do drugs. I don’t need to be scared. I want Urijah to find home in every nook and cranny, and I want to do the same.
I don’t give a shit about my fear of the ocean.
I don’t give a shit about my fear of flying.
I don’t give a shit about the danger. We will die in here anyway, swallowed up by these walls and loans and cars and other people. I want to go.
We’re gonna fucking GO.
This year will be spent preparing. Passports. Money saved. Destinations picked. Languages practiced. Weight lost. Outside, outside, outside. Getting better at work so I can do it anywhere, writing and marketing and everything else. Dreaming and putting shit together.
Everything had to come to a head for this. I had to lose Wolf. I had to have this year with Rajesh. I had to see how life was becoming one long day, and I had to shake myself awake.
I found a time machine. And it exists in me and Urijah and this big fucking world.
Hola. Bonjour. Aloha.
We’ll see you soon. 🙂