Float

I’m having trouble concentrating.

I’ve spent a bit of money this month, money I probably shouldn’t have spent, preparing. Preparing for that ugly, nasty loneliness that creeps up on me whenever I am single. It takes a while sometimes but it always comes. Depending on how I deal with it, I either end up better or worse.

It’s like a turning page. I know the next chapter is coming when that loneliness shows up. I know something new is going to happen, and it all depends on me.

The wrong answer is always ‘fill that void’. I usually do this with dating. Friendships that I will not hold up. Hoping and wishing for someone to sweep me away, for someone to love me, for someone that I can dote and love on. I spend a large amount of time in these fits hoping for someone special, doing too much for losers, and turning into a screaming beast myself. I make a lot of mistakes in that loneliness. I don’t want to do it anymore.

So I filled my room with pretty pictures, ugly pictures, family pictures, decor. I got a new desk to work with. I put plans in my head. I put a small amount of Christmas decorations up with the intent to put up more. I got a tv and an Xbox One and a case of soda. And I’ve been managing in this early stage of it.

Wuff is still here but tomorrow, when he’s gone, we’ll see how long it takes that real loneliness to kick in. Already, I am blaming myself for every mistake he or I ever made. I am blaming myself for his drinking, laziness, his misunderstanding me, his refusal to get a job until the very last minute. It’s soaked into my last post, even. Already, everything is my fault. I always end up hating myself in this type of loneliness. It distorts my vision in the mirror and I am just this weak, pathetic thing.

This loneliness, when it comes, always makes me want to be small. It makes me wish someone would carry me around in the palm of their hand. But it is all a facade, and I always end up pushing away anyone I falsely bring in during all that damn confusion. Time and time and fucking time again.

But this time. Pretty pictures. A garden, maybe. A desk. A game system. Children’s clothing, homeschooling, cooking and cleaning and all those things that make up a life.

This time, I’m going to float instead of flailing against an abyss while I drown.