Revolt
How things stay the same.
… … …
And yet. It feels a bit different. I’m sitting here watching Man Seeking Woman, which is probably one of the best shows I’ve ever watched, and I’m pantless. This house is huge – I ventured downstairs for once to see how it feels on the main level. There’s three stories – basement, main level, and attic. I spend much of my time upstairs with music playing, with my head in the clouds, with my work uncharacteristically piling up. So I’ve decided to pull myself out of that and spend more time with Urijah, and then with myself.
It’s cool so far.
Out of all the things I’m doing which are supposed to be different, a couple are old. Writing, for one. And I’m slightly ashamed to admit that a guy helped me spark back into that current. And that I’m quite smitten. And that I haven’t taken to holding on to baggage yet and am jumping in full fledged. And that I said I wouldn’t do this.
But I say a lot of shit.
We went on a date to a Wiccan coffee shop and it’s probably the complete opposite of what I expected to find in Alabama. A nice community. The whole vibe of the place was gorgeous. We were free to walk around and talk and he was so well dressed. We drank the best coffee I’ve ever had. He showed me his paintings and drawings and they were amazing. I don’t think I’ve seen such great art in person before. And it was just a really great time. Better than any date I’ve ever been on.
Well, I do have reservations. I feel a bit…uncomfortable. I’ve spent a lot of time feeling like a terrible catch. Like…I don’t know. And though my confidence has gotten beautiful and I’m super happy alone, I am afraid I will crash and burn through this. Another Wolf, another Nate, another Tim, another failure. Another reason for me to hate myself.
Also. He’s white, though it’s not like he’s the first white guy I’ve ever went on a date with.
It’s a difference, though. A difference that is still kind of the same.
… … …
Alabama has been wonderful so far. It’s been quiet and slow. It’s been a practice in solitude and a mastery of understanding and appreciating myself. We’re happy here. No furniture, no problems. A lot of writing but also a lot of slacking off on my work. But things are turning around.
I like it here. I like feeling like this. We’ll see what happens.