Sometimes I realize I’m not worth the trouble. A lot of my interactions, especially with men and potential friends, boils down to that. It’s not worth the headache for one reason or another, cool ass personality or not.
I’m getting that.
I hear over and over and over how great of a personality I have. How I’m ‘cool as hell’. How I’m interesting, how someone has had a better conversation with me than they have with anyone else, ever. I hear that so much I should get it tattooed in my ear.
You’re amazing, Trey.
You’re so funny.
You’re quick, you’re smart, you like the coolest stuff.
And then they follow it with all their buts and uh’s and um’s and I blank out a bit.
… … …
I’m not so bothered about being trouble anymore. Not in a real sense. It might jerk a tear of two and then I just kinda sit with my back against the wall and laugh. I’m too much or too little or too big or too small or have too many kids or not enough manners or this or that or the third.
I can’t make you cum or I can but that’s all.
I make you feel awkward or I make you feel nervous.
I’m ‘ambiguous’ or ‘intense’.
I get a lot. But I give a lot, and I’m kind of tired of regretting that giving. I’m starting to think I like giving a lot. And being a lot.
I’m starting to think I run people off for a reason.
And it’s okay, I think. Being trouble. Having those long gaps of time when I am no one and nothing and if a Trey falls in isolation, does anyone hear it? And if Urijah closes his door again, am I alone in the house?
And if Rajesh loses his phone again, am I not his mother?
And if everyone forgot I was here would anything be any different?
… … …
I’ve been going through water bottles. They’re everywhere. I drink them like I’m a worried alcoholic and they’re whiskey, and they’re scotch, and they’re buzzing in me. I’ve never had so much water in my life. I think about breast cancer and cervical cancer and liver failure and I sit with my back against some wall. There’s a lot of thought involved in this.
But I really like mirrors again, all of a sudden. And cameras. I like smiling really big and picking Urijah up and showing him that he can smile, too. I like listening to lofi hip hop and complaining about my life to myself. I like seeing that door as a wall, these windows as walls, this isolation as an opening.
I am okay with being trouble.
Maybe I am not enough. And it will always be just that way. But it’s really okay.
I’ll live until I don’t.