Trust

I don’t trust the world. Not to love me. Not to entertain me. Not to keep giving me chances.

Not for anything.

… … …

Three of my windows are broken. They have simple cracks, but deep enough to shatter the whole things if pushed. They sit out there, reminding me of the fragility of this world I am building, and I worry about them. Cracks. That cracking sound.

I’ll call maintenance tomorrow and try to explain how it happened, but I honestly don’t know. Tai pointed them out and I looked and said, ‘oh’. I really don’t pay attention to much lately, honestly. If it’s not something Urijah is learning (or not learning), one of our moods, our hair, our stories, or Rajesh’s texts, I’m blank on it.

But I’m back in the mood to watch and write things. To vibe. The daydreaming has been kept at a minimum, and it’s mostly lesbian stuff – I’ve managed to keep all the white celebrities out of them (very disappointed in le whites lately and, honestly, I think I want to stay that way). I had another heartbreak from ANOTHER racist gamer, who I thought was amazing and grand and beautiful right up until, and it really just…it kicked me in the stomach.

It led me to watch some Black girl gamers today and they were so fucking REFRESHING. All the ‘BIIITCH’ and ‘YEAH GuRL’ and all the sarcastic responses. All the mixture of accents and levels of hoodness – from trill to blerd and everything in-between. I loved it. So I’m going to make that a practice from now on. I notice that a lot of black girls don’t show themselves but that’s okay – I like the screen being fully dedicated to the game.

I’m procrastinating. I have a PowerPoint to complete and I hate doing that shit, but not as much as I hate Marge’s work. I’ll do it, and keep at it, and go from there. And I understand, today of all days, that I’m amazing and I’ll get this (and so much more) done. That I’m worth the suspense, the wait, the love I’m giving myself. That I’m worth this funky ass hawk that dropped a white woman’s jaw at the Piggly Wiggly today.

That I’m worthy of Urijah and Rajesh, of Chris sometimes, of a future that isn’t linear and isn’t regular and isn’t really all that planned out. That the Earth could crumble around us and I’d make something beautiful happen, somehow. Some way.

And even if I wasn’t, I understand that nothing fucking matters anyway.

I’m procrastinating.

Deep sigh.